Mahal

(binalot ako ng matinding pagnanais na tumula. kaya kahit pagod na sa lahat ng nangyari sa maghapon, heto't umutot pa ako ng isang poem.)

Tirik ang gabi.

Saksi ang anino sa pagbili
Ng pag-ibig na isang kilo,
walang bakas ng pagsamo,
o pag-suyo.

De-ora ang kalakalan
Ng mga kalamnan.

Mahirap na nga ang buhay,
Lalo na ang bumuhay
Ng isang patay,
Na dinala sa hukay ang iyong
Ang iyong puso.

Sadyang nakalulungkot
Ang kabalintunaan,

Na kung bakit bawal
Magpalabas sa loob
O dapat mahal ang magmahal.

Tirik
Ang
Gabi.

A Vagina's Letter to His Owner

Dear Boss,

I would like to tender my resignation as your Vagina -the major source of your identity, sexuality and happiness- effective immediately.

Why, You may ask? It's just because I do not feel I can grow as a person in your possession. For 24 years, I've served you loyally. Yes, I admit. I may have a some flaws in the beginnning, letting out the piss all over the crib, but I learned the ropes, right? Since then, I've given you so much. I've been there for you when you needed to piss, and I did every single moment of it heavenly for you. I was there when You had your first crush. When you watched a porn for the first time, I acted accordingly (even if you close your eyes, I know you got turned on).

So now I'm leaving you. And I thank You for all the wonderful things you've done for me. You trimmed my hair. The first time I bled, I thought it's going to be my end, but you took care of me. For that, I am very grateful, month after month. I will also miss the special attention you give to me, how I smell like a rose with each wash.

But, as they say, some good things never last. For the first time, You let someone hurt me. I pleaded and pleaded, but you never heard me, as that monster forced me open up to my breaking point. And...I broke. I don't know how else would I be able to move on, but I feel it best to both our interest for me to go away for the moment. To where I'm going I don't know, but I need to find myself first. I need to heal. I need to rest.

By the time you read this, I'm already gone. Please don't try to look for me. I'll come back when I'm ready.

Love,

Fufu

A Vagina's Tale

I remembered talking about how having sex and drinking have too many commonalities. One, is that both feel good when actually doing it. Next, is that sometimes you actually do not know what you are doing, but you let your most basic instincts guide you. And lastly, You will either hate yourself for doing it the morning after, or pat your back for a score well done.

Well, sometimes you may experience both of them at the same time. You're drunk, and you had sex. In the morning, you won't have any recollections of what happened but you feel weird at the region between your thighs. It'll be the worst experience you will ever have. And considering it's supposed to be your first time to get laid...sayang.

All the girly dreams of flowers and butterflies as both of you ride in a fluffy cloud suddenly burst and you'll only be with a carnal monster thrusting his way in to you. This, certainly, is not how you envisioned it, but you were the one who provoked the creature inside. Time and again, your friends told you to move forward with your life. And for God's sake, your friends already told you to moderate your drinking if you cannot be the wiser one!

So I guess and I hope you'll be wiser next time. Best if there won't be a next time. This is a lesson you have to learn on yourself, and it sucks (hehe, sucks...) to have it exchanged for something so special. Well, have I introduced you to vaginal repair??? =)

A Letter To Myself from a Parallel Universe in which You/I made The Other Option.

Dear Me,

Hi. I guess by now We already know what were the consequences of what We did. Well I hope you are happy with your decision and I guess I’m happy with mine. Well, as early as now, I guess we should accept the repercussions of what we did, right? You chose left, I chose right. You were wrong, and I was right. Hehe, just kidding...Ok I’m sorry…hey hey wait up!

Anyway, how are you doing!? It’s been roughly three minutes since we part ways. Well, if you’re gonna ask me, I am so relieved I didn’t go with you. Haha! Kidding again. Okay…uhm, I know you man…and we love us, right?, so don’t get me wrong okay? I have nothing against what you did, but it’s just not my thing. Well, yeah, We can be a bit spontaneous sometimes, but doing that!? It’s like the craziest that we have done. You could have put our life at risk. But still, I could not cross the line and blame You. We just love the thrill right? And yeah, nothing serious happened. It’s high time for you to realize that I know You and no matter how many times you say you’ll commit suicide, You just can’t do it. *Chicken*. And by the way, it’s not as if it’s new to us to get something intangible broken in the first place.

You’re doing the right thing now. Let it all out. Let it hurt you just enough to almost kill you. After that, you’ll be much stronger…and…maybe wiser? Don’t get me wrong, okay? I’m no genius than you are. We’re just the same after all. And these things I have the indulgence to say because I’m practically inexistent in your part of the universe. And that’s what I’m here for: to make you realize that I won’t be there for you. The moment you made up that decision, I’m already gone and there’s nothing that could make me return, and scientists haven’t come up with a time machine yet. Even so, why ask for the time to go backwards to that moment you made your stupidity? Okay, OUR stupidity. We always go back to that same scenario, playing it over and over again in our heads and we don’t notice that time doesn’t wait for us. Time is the hill of our rolling existence and not a single thing exists backwards. So don’t be hard on yourself, wishful thinking if you could only turn back the time. God is generous enough to give us memories to encapsulate a chunk of that time to be kept safe in our hearts and minds. Consider yourself blessed.

Actually, you are more than blessed. Aggh, okay...you’ve become wiser than I am (I’m just more prudent, hehe) and I will never know the outcome of what you’ve done. When you’ve taken that chance, I actually envied you deep inside because I could never do it– and I guess, I’m not destined to do it. You became my what if same as I am now your should have. As they say, we cannot have it all. Taking the vitamin brand won’t help. And look at Whitney, she sang a pathetic song about almost having it all. Now she’s a junkie.

So I guess this ends here. You stay strong. Keep the faith. Soon we’re gonna meet again, and at that junction, may the best man win.

Love,

Yourself from another Universe

PS

I'm handsome here.

I Cried Over a Fucking Celine Dion Song II

I should’ve just gone straight to home after work that evening. I could’ve just read my January book in my room, but I found myself ordering my usual at Starbucks.

So after my eyes got tired, I went out of the coffee shop expecting only to hit the hay early. But no. My genius feet weren’t tired yet of thinking where to lead me next. So it brought me to the department store.

It was actually not a bad idea. I mean, I could use the opportunity to find something to buy for myself. For years, I’ve neglected myself on some physical aspects, I realized.

Let’s start with clothes. I really don’t buy clothes based on how they look on me primarily but on how much they cost. So if I see that it somehow suits me and it is affordable on my definition, I’ll buy it. I also had two pairs of jeans. The older one I bought (2009…it was 2000 then so 9 less 0) nine years ago while the newer pair, seven years ago. They are the only jeans I have and both pairs are mysteriously getting smaller. Maybe my mom should follow the laundry directions indicated, moving/growing forward. I also shun the idea of buying designer colognes because I’m not seeking to be smelled at in exchange for a hefty price. I take a bath every day, and that’s enough for me. When it comes to shoes, I actually have three pairs. One black leather and a moss green for going to the office, and a high-cut Chuck Taylor for casual days. All of them haven’t got a proper cleaning from their owner. A friend also made me promise that I will buy a watch as all professionals should wear one. Well, I promised him to probably buying one, so I haven’t broken my promise yet – or will never.

I almost grew up not giving a damn on how I look like. I always think of the price I have to pay for looking good. I thought, physical appearance doesn’t really matter, as long as you are a nice person. So my face was pestered with pimples and for months, I carry the map of the galaxy. I didn’t seek professional help. I relied on cheap astringents instead, and it made it only worse.

So that night, I searched for something that will be good on me. I went up and down the floors, one moment looking for a shirt, then a pair of rubber shoes, the following moment.

A new pair of jeans.
A designer watch.
A weekender bag.
A chair to sit on.

I could not seem to make up my mind. I discovered that it’s very frustrating not to know what I was looking for. And to make things worse unexpectedly, that freaking song started to drill its way to my senses.

I know there’s nothing wrong in being practical and thrifty same as being extravagant if you have the means. I’m more than capable of buying “happy” that evening, and a part of me which I could not make sense of, probably figured out what’s happening.

That night, I was not able to buy anything shiny and new. I was still wearing my tattered pants and my Chuck Taylor imitation.

But I discovered one thing: sometimes, our eyes get too tired of putting up with what we keep in our hearts, and it would not hold up longer than we expected. Even if our logic could afford to buy practical reasons, it won’t fill in to something that we need eventually. We may not know what actually happens to us, but nevertheless it happens; and it’s the worse feeling. At the same time, it’s a revelation:

I went to the mall to find something of worth, but realized it’s not even there in the first place.

I Cried Over a Fucking Celine Dion Song

Don't know much about your life.
Don't know much about your world, but
Don't want to be alone tonight,
On this planet they call earth.

There are times when we thought we’re already complete as we are and that we should be happy about it. We thought we are already satisfied with what we have and I don’t understand why some people are not satisfied with what they have. This is regardless if they’re with someone significant or not, for me it depends really on our own preference in life.

So we thought we’re just living our ordinary lives, happy with the way it seems to be. Then we’ll meet someone who’ll make us realize there’s something so much better than our meek existence. And when you meet that one, it will feel like something’s missing in your life; suddenly, we need them to be part of our world.

You don't know about my past,
andI don't have a future figured out.
And maybe this is going too fast.
And maybe it's not meant to last,

We crave to tell them what we’ve been through in life…All the triumphs and sorrows; the things that made us who we are. We seek affirmation and we seek solace from them. Although we are uncertain where all these things will lead to, we bet our emotions to the greatest game in this world.

But what do you say to taking chances?
What do you say to jumping off the edge?
Never knowing if there's solid ground below
Or hand to hold, or hell to pay,
What do you say,What do you say?

We think of it over and over. We don’t know what to do or what to say exactly, but the heart speaks what the mind can’t comprehend. It’s a natural high. It’s like riding the rollercoaster for the first time. Apprehensive at first, you feel like backing out but when it starts to move, you just hold on to anything and pray and hope everything will just be fine.

I just want to start again,
And maybe you could show me how to try,
And maybe you could take me in,
Somewhere underneath your skin?

What do you say to taking chances,
What do you say to jumping off the edge?
Never knowing if there's solid ground below
Or hand to hold, or hell to pay,
What do you say,What do you say?

And there’s just no other way to be certain but to try it out for ourselves. We wanted them to be part of the ride – to experience our highs and lows, and to hold on to each other when things seem to go wrong.

And I had my heart beaten down,
But I always come back for more, yeah.
There’s nothing like love to pull you up,
When you’re laying down on the floor there.
So talk to me, talk to me,Like lovers do.
Yeah walk with me, walk with me,
Like lovers do,Like lovers do.

But that’s not always the case. Sometimes the thrill dies down and we crash and burn. We thought that we have someone beside us, but we’ll only find an empty space. We’ll feel like an idiot. We’ll feel we’ve been robbed and something inside of us can’t be replaced anymore. Rock bottom. At some point we’ll start picking up pieces of us; try to put ourselves back again and start building up a much higher wall.

What do you say to taking chances?
What do you say to jumping off the edge?
Never knowing if there's solid ground below
Or hand to hold, or hell to pay,
What do you say,What do you say?
Don’t know much about your life
And I don’t know much about your world.

Then again, no matter how much we say to ourselves that we won’t make the same risk, we do. We take our chances. We jump off the edge without knowing if it’s worth it, or we’ll just crash and burn. But maybe, just maybe: we’ll be thankful afterwards when we fail on that another attempt. Because no matter how much we say to ourselves that we’re happy with the way things are, we’re just waiting for that another moment we could feel we have loved again.