Sunday, August 24, 2008

A Post I Should Have Done a Long Time Ago for Myself…And Now I’m Moving On

I’ve done a lot of mistakes in the past and I usually try my best to make up for those as soon as I can, or as soon as my conscience couldn’t take it anymore. Most of the time, it’s the earlier.

I may have to write this vaguely, but I do know that sooner or later the raison d'ĂȘtre of this post will read this and will be intelligent enough to know that this is for him/her/them/it.
We’ve all heard the shit before, and it even has a song: I’m only human, born to make mistakes. Nice song, nice melody, but shitty predicament to be in. I used to believe that I was perfect and incorruptible and that all my actions were driven by what I know were right and true and pure. Not.

I’ve often referenced kids as stupid and I was once a kid. A kid who didn’t gravely ponder on the things that he’s about to do. A kid who acts based on his past, his present and not really giving a shit about the repercussions. Being an adult is such a drag. I have to think and reconsider things before actually doing it, but that’s how life should be for me, and for the rest of us. Adulthood is very complicated and it won’t wait for you to grow up. You just have to, or suffer the consequences, like never having enough courage to look your old friend in the eye, receive moral blows and slurs and innuendos referring to your former offense – something that should have already been forgiven…but apparently not forgotten. I know it, because I am also like that.

I’m quite satisfied though, that all those things –those unfortunate events- happened to me. I’m not turning all pageantry question and answer portion here, yet it sinks in now the real meaning of appreciating the lessons you’ve learned from those horrible moments. I wouldn’t be the same genuinely happy person I am now if not for those boo-boos in the past. Some were petty, some were major predicaments and yet all of them contributed into molding and remolding the person that I am. I guess the important part is not to be an old dog. I learn new tricks quickly. So I won’t change a single bit about my past…and world peace, Gracias.

Yes, you may have been this or that, ostracized by the society or by friends. Ashamed by what you’ve done…to yourself or to your dearest friends whom you’ve shared laughs with for a long time. You may have even considered hanging yourself and end all these in an instant but in a split second of nothing short of a miracle and God’s presence, you stood up, wiped your tears and asked for forgiveness not from those people you’ve offended, but from yourself and Him. Probably after that you started realizing all shitload of wrong things your immature old self thought were right and this only motivated you to come clean. I guess it will be easier if life is like that of the series, Saving Grace. You know…with a personal guardian angel whom you can really see and hear and talk to. Anyway…

When this happens though –and this happened to me, quite recently– it doesn’t mean that you’re already stripped off the right to tell others that the same wrong thing you did before which they are doing right now is bad and should be stopped. Look who’s talking and all apostolic, huh?? they might say in your face…or whichever way. Man has intelligence to remember that touching a fire can burn his hands and hurt him. So he stops his co-caveman who is about to stupidly put his face in the fire.

Wisdom comes with age. Partly true. I guess the complete version of it would be: wisdom comes with age vis a vis the ratio of the right versus the wrong decisions you’ve made. Imagining it in a graph, I see it like as we grow older, we commit lesser mistakes because we tend to remember that fire is hot and can harm you.

I’ve already forgiven myself for all the things that I was. For the things that I am… well…I guess I’ll just have to make do of it. I quite got a bargain actually, coming out of all those shitty situations I’ve put myself into. This doesn’t discount the forgiveness of the people I’ve offended though. It’s as equally important to me. Yet just as I am human, so are they. We can all be the caveman or the fire. We can cause harm or get burned ourselves. I don’t blame him/her/them/it if all of them don’t want me anymore, or if they’ve developed a new notion about me because of an offense I’ve made. I deserved that. I was the fire and the caveman at the same time. Well, life goes on. Next time, I’ll wait and observe who touches another flame and what would be its lesson to me.