A Vagina's Letter to His Owner

Dear Boss,

I would like to tender my resignation as your Vagina -the major source of your identity, sexuality and happiness- effective immediately.

Why, You may ask? It's just because I do not feel I can grow as a person in your possession. For 24 years, I've served you loyally. Yes, I admit. I may have a some flaws in the beginnning, letting out the piss all over the crib, but I learned the ropes, right? Since then, I've given you so much. I've been there for you when you needed to piss, and I did every single moment of it heavenly for you. I was there when You had your first crush. When you watched a porn for the first time, I acted accordingly (even if you close your eyes, I know you got turned on).

So now I'm leaving you. And I thank You for all the wonderful things you've done for me. You trimmed my hair. The first time I bled, I thought it's going to be my end, but you took care of me. For that, I am very grateful, month after month. I will also miss the special attention you give to me, how I smell like a rose with each wash.

But, as they say, some good things never last. For the first time, You let someone hurt me. I pleaded and pleaded, but you never heard me, as that monster forced me open up to my breaking point. And...I broke. I don't know how else would I be able to move on, but I feel it best to both our interest for me to go away for the moment. To where I'm going I don't know, but I need to find myself first. I need to heal. I need to rest.

By the time you read this, I'm already gone. Please don't try to look for me. I'll come back when I'm ready.

Love,

Fufu

A Vagina's Tale

I remembered talking about how having sex and drinking have too many commonalities. One, is that both feel good when actually doing it. Next, is that sometimes you actually do not know what you are doing, but you let your most basic instincts guide you. And lastly, You will either hate yourself for doing it the morning after, or pat your back for a score well done.

Well, sometimes you may experience both of them at the same time. You're drunk, and you had sex. In the morning, you won't have any recollections of what happened but you feel weird at the region between your thighs. It'll be the worst experience you will ever have. And considering it's supposed to be your first time to get laid...sayang.

All the girly dreams of flowers and butterflies as both of you ride in a fluffy cloud suddenly burst and you'll only be with a carnal monster thrusting his way in to you. This, certainly, is not how you envisioned it, but you were the one who provoked the creature inside. Time and again, your friends told you to move forward with your life. And for God's sake, your friends already told you to moderate your drinking if you cannot be the wiser one!

So I guess and I hope you'll be wiser next time. Best if there won't be a next time. This is a lesson you have to learn on yourself, and it sucks (hehe, sucks...) to have it exchanged for something so special. Well, have I introduced you to vaginal repair??? =)

Pornstar

My high school friends say that I have a big dick. They say this to me and make fun of me lots of times even if only one of them has really seen it…when it was swollen due to circumcision. But it’s the kind of teasing that a guy like me doesn’t really get offended to, if not, actually flattered. I can be a pornstar if I like to (but seriously, my dream is to direct a porn). But it just bothers me sometimes that I tend to jump in to the joke and make fun of my penis as well, as I use their preconceived notion that I really am equipped. You see, I don’t have a big dick, but I’m not saying the contrary. In the first place, I thought, who judges whether your family jewel is actually huge or not? Is there an organization that decrees which range in the continuum of the penis universe is considered huge? What is its name? Will it be like the Virility and Girth Inspection National Association (VAGINA)? And provided that it really exists, how will the VAGINA lay its matrices so that all the phallic factors fit in it snugly? A lot has to be measured like length, girth, and spherical area of the glans penis, not to mention the race and nationality of the person. Will the VAGINA be up for the challenge of our penises?

In my age now, there are some people other than my mother, brothers and my nanny, who have already seen mini-me. Upon first sight, I’m pretty sure that nobody made the sign of the cross, shouted “Santa Maria, it’s the lochness monster!” and dashed for the door as if it is coming to get them from between their legs (insert Maui Taylor chase scene with the giant dick in the movie Sex Drive, here). Quite fortunately, I also haven’t heard anyone say, “Awww…*sigh* there you are, so cute!” as I pulled my zipper down to the tune of You Sexy Thing (I believe in miracles! Where you from?! You sexy thing!). But if given only these two scenarios, I’d pick the prior.

I’d rather have a bazooka than a garden hose because, well…larger is better. But I am quite okay with what God has given me. How can’t I? It can do the job it is tasked to do… PISSING, stupid. And yeah, as a stuffing for the turkey for Thanksgiving, and a pie driller.

This society equates penis size as the actual measure of one’s masculinity and virility. In that single piece of expandable muscle tissue we source and derive all our confidence, bravado and chutzpah. Hell, even Rasputin’s disputed dong is believed to be cure for men’s impotence.

I don’t know if that is a natural instinct emanating from our bushy area, but this same subconscious psyche that we have gives men undue and imagined dominion over all things around him. Isn’t it everyday that we keep on hearing reports of abused children and women by men? Especially here in the Philippines, where I grew up in a family wherein the father –the one with the biggest dick in the house– gets to decide when and where to hit his kids…and wife.

Luckily for me, I don’t have that illusion. I have my sex organ and so does everyone else. This gives me only an equal opportunity like the rest of us to get laid sometimes, or get off by ourselves. But the most important thing is that I’m not dumb enough to use my head down there to brag my greater strength or anything of that sort. For me, it is just plainly stupid and inanely arrogant. Because all of us can be pornstars, but not everyone is that huge.