I Cried Over a Fucking Celine Dion Song II

I should’ve just gone straight to home after work that evening. I could’ve just read my January book in my room, but I found myself ordering my usual at Starbucks.

So after my eyes got tired, I went out of the coffee shop expecting only to hit the hay early. But no. My genius feet weren’t tired yet of thinking where to lead me next. So it brought me to the department store.

It was actually not a bad idea. I mean, I could use the opportunity to find something to buy for myself. For years, I’ve neglected myself on some physical aspects, I realized.

Let’s start with clothes. I really don’t buy clothes based on how they look on me primarily but on how much they cost. So if I see that it somehow suits me and it is affordable on my definition, I’ll buy it. I also had two pairs of jeans. The older one I bought (2009…it was 2000 then so 9 less 0) nine years ago while the newer pair, seven years ago. They are the only jeans I have and both pairs are mysteriously getting smaller. Maybe my mom should follow the laundry directions indicated, moving/growing forward. I also shun the idea of buying designer colognes because I’m not seeking to be smelled at in exchange for a hefty price. I take a bath every day, and that’s enough for me. When it comes to shoes, I actually have three pairs. One black leather and a moss green for going to the office, and a high-cut Chuck Taylor for casual days. All of them haven’t got a proper cleaning from their owner. A friend also made me promise that I will buy a watch as all professionals should wear one. Well, I promised him to probably buying one, so I haven’t broken my promise yet – or will never.

I almost grew up not giving a damn on how I look like. I always think of the price I have to pay for looking good. I thought, physical appearance doesn’t really matter, as long as you are a nice person. So my face was pestered with pimples and for months, I carry the map of the galaxy. I didn’t seek professional help. I relied on cheap astringents instead, and it made it only worse.

So that night, I searched for something that will be good on me. I went up and down the floors, one moment looking for a shirt, then a pair of rubber shoes, the following moment.

A new pair of jeans.
A designer watch.
A weekender bag.
A chair to sit on.

I could not seem to make up my mind. I discovered that it’s very frustrating not to know what I was looking for. And to make things worse unexpectedly, that freaking song started to drill its way to my senses.

I know there’s nothing wrong in being practical and thrifty same as being extravagant if you have the means. I’m more than capable of buying “happy” that evening, and a part of me which I could not make sense of, probably figured out what’s happening.

That night, I was not able to buy anything shiny and new. I was still wearing my tattered pants and my Chuck Taylor imitation.

But I discovered one thing: sometimes, our eyes get too tired of putting up with what we keep in our hearts, and it would not hold up longer than we expected. Even if our logic could afford to buy practical reasons, it won’t fill in to something that we need eventually. We may not know what actually happens to us, but nevertheless it happens; and it’s the worse feeling. At the same time, it’s a revelation:

I went to the mall to find something of worth, but realized it’s not even there in the first place.

I Cried Over a Fucking Celine Dion Song

Don't know much about your life.
Don't know much about your world, but
Don't want to be alone tonight,
On this planet they call earth.

There are times when we thought we’re already complete as we are and that we should be happy about it. We thought we are already satisfied with what we have and I don’t understand why some people are not satisfied with what they have. This is regardless if they’re with someone significant or not, for me it depends really on our own preference in life.

So we thought we’re just living our ordinary lives, happy with the way it seems to be. Then we’ll meet someone who’ll make us realize there’s something so much better than our meek existence. And when you meet that one, it will feel like something’s missing in your life; suddenly, we need them to be part of our world.

You don't know about my past,
andI don't have a future figured out.
And maybe this is going too fast.
And maybe it's not meant to last,

We crave to tell them what we’ve been through in life…All the triumphs and sorrows; the things that made us who we are. We seek affirmation and we seek solace from them. Although we are uncertain where all these things will lead to, we bet our emotions to the greatest game in this world.

But what do you say to taking chances?
What do you say to jumping off the edge?
Never knowing if there's solid ground below
Or hand to hold, or hell to pay,
What do you say,What do you say?

We think of it over and over. We don’t know what to do or what to say exactly, but the heart speaks what the mind can’t comprehend. It’s a natural high. It’s like riding the rollercoaster for the first time. Apprehensive at first, you feel like backing out but when it starts to move, you just hold on to anything and pray and hope everything will just be fine.

I just want to start again,
And maybe you could show me how to try,
And maybe you could take me in,
Somewhere underneath your skin?

What do you say to taking chances,
What do you say to jumping off the edge?
Never knowing if there's solid ground below
Or hand to hold, or hell to pay,
What do you say,What do you say?

And there’s just no other way to be certain but to try it out for ourselves. We wanted them to be part of the ride – to experience our highs and lows, and to hold on to each other when things seem to go wrong.

And I had my heart beaten down,
But I always come back for more, yeah.
There’s nothing like love to pull you up,
When you’re laying down on the floor there.
So talk to me, talk to me,Like lovers do.
Yeah walk with me, walk with me,
Like lovers do,Like lovers do.

But that’s not always the case. Sometimes the thrill dies down and we crash and burn. We thought that we have someone beside us, but we’ll only find an empty space. We’ll feel like an idiot. We’ll feel we’ve been robbed and something inside of us can’t be replaced anymore. Rock bottom. At some point we’ll start picking up pieces of us; try to put ourselves back again and start building up a much higher wall.

What do you say to taking chances?
What do you say to jumping off the edge?
Never knowing if there's solid ground below
Or hand to hold, or hell to pay,
What do you say,What do you say?
Don’t know much about your life
And I don’t know much about your world.

Then again, no matter how much we say to ourselves that we won’t make the same risk, we do. We take our chances. We jump off the edge without knowing if it’s worth it, or we’ll just crash and burn. But maybe, just maybe: we’ll be thankful afterwards when we fail on that another attempt. Because no matter how much we say to ourselves that we’re happy with the way things are, we’re just waiting for that another moment we could feel we have loved again.